- Sergey Rosedkin -
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	It is difficult to be adult The story 1 «Destiny (if only it is), most likely, — blind, malicious and eccentrical starushonka. Without any system and justice it in hands to whom popadja puts burning ingots of happiness and with the disgusting fallen asleep grimace listens — that will be? And people: small and big, kind and malicious, great and ordinary, but all is identical — children, both shout, and laugh, and cry from delight, compressing in hands sparkling slices of happiness, rush with them, all time being afraid to lose. And suddenly once they find out, that instead of a dazzling gold nugget of happiness they compress a grey cobble-stone of a grief in cams. And much do not know, that at all of them time and was this dirty heavy cobble-stone, and that they allocated it in imagination with light... And a sharp pain heart twitches, hearing the remote ugly giggling of the old woman-destiny which once again has to the full taken pleasure in naivety and trustfulness of the next live heart... » Lena has postponed a chubby writing-book, has leant back on a pillow and has blissful smiled: «What clear head Stas! After all it is necessary so to write!.» — The clear head, the clear head, the clear head! — she has repeated quickly some times as if kissing Stasa, and has burst out laughing. — well and the silly fellow I, with myself talk! 2 Lena waited for love as people at station wait the train: however many was late, and all the same will come. On what this confidence was based, Lena is less than someone could explain, she simply knew, that or now, or in a year when to it will be eighteen, or even through two it there will be IT. Perhaps, adored Green has inhaled in it this confidence? She has been assured and consequently is quiet. Irka, the neigbour in a room in the student's hostel, five years was more senior and, naturally, is more skilled in all affairs in which experience only is required. This highly experienced Irka quite often fought a forehead about wall Lenkinogo of calmness. Here a sample of usual evening in a room № 318. Irka, sitting in one short, till the sizes of a vest, a shirt before a desktop mirror, desperately smoking a cigarette and simultaneously smearing with import ink of an eyelash, on a habit bubbled: — The silly woman you, Lenka as there is a round silly woman! As a water-melon. Well here what you leshego this foolish dojch dolbychish? After all the day after tomorrow it... And by the way, me ZHora idejku has thrown: Turgenev — the boring muzhik, and look, how klyovo it was expressed... Irka with one made up eyelash on the person from what at it any winking kind has become, has found in the book the necessary page and with pleasure subtracted: «Vladimir Nikolaevich spoke in French fine, in English well, in German badly. So it also follows: it is a shame to decent people to speak well in German...» — And, what? Rja-doch Th! The day after tomorrow at a seminar aloud I will read, at the German — the fun will be... Lena has indulgently smiled. — You though know, in what occasion it is told? Same Turgenev baby's dummy Panshina characterises, sneers, and you seriously accept. Itself and has not read the novel. And ZHore believe less, again he plays a trick. — Well, ZHora, well, a hare! I shchas will show to it on jumps! — Irka with insult zapyhtela a cigarette also has gone deep into making-up of the person. Has then lowed from a mirror: — You think, the German remembers it Panshina? Pipes! And you rise and be stirred up! From this German a teeth will drop out. On a disco we will go... Again you will not go? — You know, that are not present. It is wildness: in a room in size with a wardrobe, in darkness to jump, not knowing with whom. («We learn!» — has inserted Irka.) Is not present, here I will finish learning German, then Karamzin I will read up also the letter it is necessary to write home... Affairs will suffice. — Well and a demon with you! And you will dry up behind books. After all, look, you — seventeen, and at you to seize no trouble — and a brassiere it is not necessary. One glazishchi yes a shaggy hair as at Pugachyovoj, and even in general for the maid not to recognise. Eh, me such glazishchi! Such hair! Yes I!. You a broom to kill it is not enough or your book — long you will so sit?!. Irka raged each time quite seriously, and Lena it even sometimes a scarecrow. — Also what you are angry? To me is uninteresting to get acquainted with these youths, you understand? All of them as on a template are made — boring. — The youth-and... Look at this old woman! Much you understand... How it is boring, when it is a lot of them and all different?. Irka already calmed down, anticipating a cheerful roundabout of the evening, new acquaintances, kisses... It has thrown off a shirt, has vigorously squeezed a body in jeans which did not burst only because there were presents, firms "Lее", has pulled directly on a naked body a baby's undershirt with magnificent cut. Having hung where only it is possible from a gold half a kilogramme, it already recovered and even got prettier, last time krutnulas before a mirror. — I-i-ieh, I will tempt!. lenusja, — it has sung a traditional joke, — if I with the boy privalju, make vidok, that you sleep sluggishly and immoderately. Gut? Well it is fine, do not look at me dark blue splashes — I joke... CHao! Lena only has shaken a head, has switched on an electric kettle and has gone deep into modal verbs. 3 So was earlier. Now all in another way. All absolutely in another way... And it has begun in a New Year's eve. Has dragged it Irka in another's absolutely the company. Were, the truth, there the person three too first-year students from it, philological, and the others — from journalism faculty, besides all from the fourth year. Irka at once has snipped off to itself potrjasnogo the journalist, and already in half an hour they kissed behind a bookcase so, that in him glasses jingled. Lena, diligence all the same Irki, has been made today presentable. A magnificent cap reddish, it is appreciable curled hair served as a perfect frame to a thin pale face in which all covered amazingly huge light blue eyes. These widely open eyes were not shaded at all by long eyelashes, both any and everyone could at desire glance through these eyes-windows in the soul of Lena: the grief or fun lapped in them too much. Now in them there was a frank boredom. Lena sat in most ugolochke, between a wardrobe and a fur-tree. It straightened out from time to time wide sleeves of a celebratory lilac dress (for school final evening it has sewed) and drank on a draught pepsi-kolu. Its cheeks gently zaaleli from the glass of champagne drunk before. It has been noisy and smoked. It is not enough meal — buterbrodiki yes pickles. But wine and vodka flew a stream. Besides such, that from it, it was necessary to spill wine, layers burnt out lakirovka a table. One bottle of champagne have already drunk, and the second — and last — for the sake of decency have left to a ring of the Kremlin chiming clock. Something muffledly bubnil the TV, in a corner screamed the tape recorder. Two couples somnambulicheski coiled, going into eyes and having stuck senseless smiles on persons. Glasses in a case behind which has taken cover Irka with the lanky journalist periodically called. To one journalist, on a bed, two girls with languid persons have stuck and enjoyed mjuzikalnym iskjusstvom. That tore on a ragged guitar of a string and terribly rattled Vysotsky's songs or is mournful gnusavil romances Okudzhavy. The brush of slovenly moustaches under his nose shone with wine. In nedoedennom a sandwich on a table stuck out izzhevannyj a stub. It was bad. It would be desirable to leave. Lena has turned away and has clung faced to cool glass. There was a snow. From the sixteenth floor the earth it was not visible almost, and, appear, not snowflakes fall downwards, and a window together with a room, together with the enormous house, together with it, Lena, smoothly rises — at night, in silence... «New year, — has pricked inside, — My God, after all — New year!.» Any expectations, any vague dreams, any presentiments soft varezhkoj have compressed heart and became warm, quiet and cosy. «I will be today necessarily happy! Necessarily!.» It has entered five minutes prior to New year. What is it IT, she then yet did not know, has simply involuntarily paid attention, that all to it were delighted — «Stas!. O-o-o, Stasik!.» — also were delighted, it was visible at once, sincerely and with all the heart. Perhaps therefore Lena attentively has considered it at once. All time while the guy shook hands, joked, smiled, it considered it and has suddenly caught itself that tries to find in him any defect. Also does not find. At once it was pleasant to it, that it not in jeans — have somehow rubbed already eyes these jeans. The dark suit-three, a white shirt and a tie gave it little bit strict kind and favourably allocated against all man's half of company. The severity of a suit shaded easy smeshinka in brown eyes. A short chestnut curly hair and light beautiful moustaches did its similar for some reason on the White Guard officer of what Lena knew-represented on films. With its occurrence the company really became the company. All were going to behind a table, music, strelnulo champagne has broken off. — Stas! Stas, to you a word, give! — was heard from different directions. «What interesting name», — Lena has thought and has lifted the glass. Stas has beautifully risen, has beautifully corrected hair the left hand, has beautifully shown a white teeth in a smile and amber wine in its glass has surprisingly beautifully sparkled. — Still Nekrasov exclaimed: «be not found on wine light, toshen there would be to me light!» We will agree with the poet? Wine is a gasoline in the car under the name "Fun". So we will drive by this car in new year in which all of us are waited by happiness! For, I underline — for, there is nothing easier, than to be happy. Remember, Feodor Mihajlovich has told: «the Person is unhappy because does not know, that it is happy». We will drink for that always it is the nobility! «Same he to me, speaks to me!», — fading, Lena has thought, and a chiming clock in the TV has solemnly confirmed: — Yes ive!. Yes ive!. Yes ive!. Twelve times successively. And everything is literally, everything, all has changed. All any darlings, kind, cheerful. It is tasty, to tears, smelt as a fur-tree, wood. And then darling Irka acquainted it. Acquainted with Stasom. And Stas sat near to it. They drank bitter wine, and the head was turned. It would be desirable to laugh. Stas something told to it about Dostoevsky. Awfully well told. Then it in hands had a guitar, and he to it, one it sang a perfect romance «Burn, burn, my star». He sang, and in the opinion of it there were tears and the soft voice hardly shivered, and at Lena on a body ran murashki warm fear of that all so is improbably good. Then they drank with Stasom on brudershaft, and there was a first touch of lips. Then danced, and it gently concerned with palms of its body, and she felt force and tenderness of these palms. And then, at daybreak, when he has seen her to the door 318th, it as in a whirlpool a head, has thrown the arms round its a neck and has nestled inept lips on its soft fragrant moustaches. And he long and strongly kissed it, and she shuddered all children's body from sweet and heat of the first present painful kisses … 4 The happiness was immensely. They met every day, and Lena did not cease to open all new and new advantages in Stase. With it was so well, that Lena even nearly did not fall ill, when some hours it did not see. It at times was terrified: and what, if it has not gone then on this party?! Together with Stasom it has started to happen, the truth, at first reluctantly, in the student's companies and has opened soon, that journalists and as a whole not such fools as it was accepted to think of them in this university hostel. But from all it was allocated Stas: sang, played a guitar, studied fine, wrote the present stories and one has already printed in the youth collection... More often in any room were going to some person, and songs, dances, but more often disputes and even the whole discussions — about lives, cinema, the literature began... And when passions in dispute were heated to white kalenija and arguing started to splash a saliva, points over i always almost placed Stas — age (he was 28 years old), extraordinary high erudition did its opinion for many indisputable. — Still Goethe was expressed, that verses should be excellent or not exist at all, — with authority spoke Stas, and dispute on verses on it faded. Or: — Any love passes, and the dissimilarity for ever remains! Is still Dostoevsky in «Humiliated and offended» has written, — and on this theme debate stopped. Such minutes Lena even was puffed up with pride for Stasa and, not hesitating of crowd, kissed it as a sign of the award. It in general it is surprising as has ceased to hesitate. Resulted Stasa in the room, and they at times till the morning sat on its bed, were whispered, faded in kisses, to a pain in a back embraced. And poor Irka, already come round from the initial shock called by regeneration of Lena, or loafed on visitors, or calmed down on the bed, trying not to creak opposite springs. Next morning Irka it is inquisitive peered to Lena at eyes, with exasperation clapped itself on hips and tragically exclaimed: — Again only embraced? The silly woman you, will miss красавцá, doberezhyoshsja!. But Lena was afraid. Each time as soon as during kisses and embraces of movement Stasa became convulsive, almost rough, and it started to breathe passionately, Lena plaintively asked: — It is not necessary, Stasik! Pretty, then... It is not necessary... Then... And Stas, having squeaked teeth, obmjakal. But nevertheless once, when Irki there was no house, it has occurred. At first it was disgusting to a nausea, it is terrible, sick and it is a shame. There were tears. But Stas so gently her calmed, in something swore, so cautiously wiped kisses of its tear, that in half an hour Lena already quietly laughed and fondly asked: — Stas, I now — the woman, yes? The present woman? Stas, the darling, you it is good with me?. Stas something indulgently purred in the answer. Session has begun. Now they almost did not leave at all. Lena any more was not afraid of physical affinity — Stas has surprisingly quickly learnt it to find in it pleasure... The happiness, appear, will be eternal. 5 It lasted nineteen days. On 20th of January, on Sunday, in the morning. Stas in twilight has slipped out from under a blanket, has put on, has kissed her, dozing, on a neck and, having told: «To a dinner I will drop in. Affairs are», — has left. Only Lena was pulled by the exhausted body and cosy packed in a blanket, being going to still to doze, as has come Irka. She had to spend the night the third night anywhere successively, besides it has the day before filled up a repeating an examination on Russian, therefore Lena not so was surprised, when doors have begun to clap, plates have rung out, have departed on a book floor. «Silly! Well unless it is possible so to be angry? And in general, unless it is possible to be angry?» — she has thought, and has aloud asked: — Ir, you of that? There was something? Is at you every night happens, and to happen it is nobody me, I not a cow! — Yes you that, Ira? — Lena has scaredly screamed. — yes unless it is possible so? You that, envy?. — I? I envy? — Has screamed Irka. — Yes it is opposite to me to look at you! To tear pulls! The silly woman you! Glazishchi — from a plate, and you see nothing... «Ah, Stasichek, mine Stasichek, you mene lju-ju-jubish?» — it has imitated angrily. — yes such, as you, tyolok at it already herd whole! I, as the silly woman too, thought — will be shaken, poobnimaetsja and will calm down. And it — vljubimshis! You go, go, look still, that for letters to it go. I know, after all too on "In" a surname begins... Lines s that, are not present and there is no to me a letter, and to it one behind another, one behind another, and all babskim by handwriting are signed. And now again... E, e, e, you of that? Here kvyolaja!. Lena razlepila also has whispered white lips: — No, anything, I listen... I very attentively listen... Then, when Irka has left, Lena hands shivering from impatience has pulled platishko, has somehow brushed the hair, being angry with rebellious hair, and, at all not having closed a door, has run away downwards. At the mail box divided into cells, fortunately, was nobody. Lena what for has thievishly looked back and has seized a thick pack of letters on "In". Envelopes continually slipped out hands and plopped down on a floor. Voronovu... Varnadze... Vaburovoj... Guilty... Varnakovoj... Is! Lena has taken some seconds an envelope on which okruglo and it has beautifully been deduced — to Vorozhejkinu Stanislav Nikolaevichu — has then combined it half-and-half, has thrust in a pocket of a dress and has clamped it strong-strong a hand. It some times took out it in a room, again and again got a grasp of a return address: Tambov, street of Engels, house N 8, sq. 31, and the illegible signature, to th to unpack and did not dare. Then wished to carry and put back. At last, the charter from it, feeling, that just about will begin to cry, she has solved: if it does not come till four o'clock then it will open the letter, and there — that will be, will be. Lena has got an alarm clock and has put a call on four. It has switched on on the tape recorder a film with Alla Pugachevoj almost on full loudness and has laid down on bed. The main thing about what not to think! All will be explained! Cannot be!. When, when the love has come? Itself I do not know... I do not know, mum! He has called — I behind it go... It would be desirable to break something. In a breast it was sick. It laid long. Rose only to change cartridges in the tape recorder. Then took from a bedside table a writing-book with stories Stasa and has opened at random. «… the Windy lean second hand, on run having given smacking kiss next klinyshek on a dial, directed at once further. Minute it is already more sound, in a related way, rastselovyvala everyone klinyshek in both cheeks and vperevalochku went to the following. Hour, the fat woman and the pudge, thoroughly stuck vzasos and then again ran into a semisleepiness to the following meeting...» «My God, same all is far-fetched, pretentious! — Lena has thought and was frightened. TH already I carp... After all I liked it! After all it was pleasant!.» The alarm clock has blown up unexpectedly. «That it? Why it has not come?» — has flashed in a head, and suddenly Lena has caught itself on thought that is secretly glad to it. It has slowly risen, has slowly switched off music, slowly cut off the scissors prepared in advance a narrow strip from an envelope. «Hi, Stas... Are live-are healthy... Vladik already speaks« mum "and" the woman »... Have bought a sideboard... I Will send money later... What there for filologichka at you? I believe, that it silly and ridiculous, but — though I the woman modern — do not forget, that your wife! As though overindulgence has not got you far: these chickens are capable of nonsenses. Soon you will arrive, so for the answer I do not wait... I Kiss you on your hussar moustaches... I Wait... Marina». — Well here, all is clear, — Lena has easy told, and itself was surprised to how she it has easy told. It has accurately combined the letter, has thrust it in an envelope and wished to hide again in a dress pocket, but, having regained consciousness, has fastidiously thrown on a table and has slammed the book. In a head confused thoughts span: «He about me has written to it, and me about it — words: badly it or is good? However, for whom it is bad? For me? For it? For it?. Nonsenses!.» It was necessary to understand easy. Means, so: how she imagined the further? About further she like also did not think. Somewhere the firm confidence at heart glimmered, that they will be always together, will get married, that they will like, like and love each other. And it, leaves, and did not think of it? Or thought? Perhaps he does not like this Marina? But what for then at once to write about it, Lena, moreover in such tone?. Appear, someone ruthless has clasped a head long rigid fingers and all squeezed more strongly. Stas has come at the sixth o'clock. From a corridor he has cheerfully shouted: — zazhdamshis? — But has stopped short under a sight of Lena. — that with you? I now will explain... — Explain better who writes letters to you? — Trying to speak easy, Lena has asked. — To me? Ah, me?. Well, there, is некотóрые, — oppositely doing an accent on "tor", has perplexed grinned Stas. Lena now only has scented a smell of alcohol and has noticed shine in his eyes. «Yes he drank today!» She silently has stretched it the letter. Stas took it cautiously, has looked at the address, has glanced inside and then has tenderly looked at Lena. — You that, a pig, do not know, what another's letters to read it is impossible, and? You well, a pig, think — the person with you to sleep has agreed also it not stoshnilo from it so now and to watch it it is possible? Well and a copy! No, dullness in the person is admissible, but it should have and borders. It still Hugo has told, the silly woman, remember!. It was oshelomljajushche, as blow on the person. Lena, uncertainly going, has passed in a corridor, has turned a key in the lock, has pulled out it and took under a hanger a heavy hammer. Stas has broken off, wished to smile, but its person has turned pale. It has ridiculously extended forward hands, palms to it, has moved back and has fallen to a bed. — You, a bough... (And further in general nepechatno, Irkinymi words),-was silently and Lena has separately said.-Tell: Lenochka, I like you, but I even to wash your feet is unworthy, because I — rubbish... Well! That has not had time to squeeze out also a sound as the key at doors has rung out. Lena has rejected a hammer on the bed and has fastidiously told: —! Entering Irka hardly has had time to stand aside and at once has stuck to Lena — that, yes that? But Lena has laid down, as was in a dress, on a bed, has turned away to a wall and has stood till the night. Hours per twelve it at last has felt, that something presses to it sideways, has cleaned this foolish hammer, has laid, has laid down. But and has not closed eyes till the morning. 6 Next morning Lena has risen outwardly quiet. Only blue has appeared round eyes, yes the person hardly was more white, than usually, and reticence is more appreciable. It since this day sharply undertook study: has typed books in library, went on all consultations, explained Irke difficult questions. She has taken a great interest in study which in general was always given to it easily. But is not present-is not present, and during reading it will suddenly be recollected: «Women like only what do not know! Is still Lermontov wrote...» — or something similar, and such terrible attack of hatred will rise to a throat that began toshnit. And not only to it, but also to herself she felt hatred and rage such minutes — it is necessary so to go blind! And in the end of January Lena has understood, that it is pregnant. From this stroke of bad luck the head, and fingers of hands all the days long while she hoped for something, merzli has begun to spin. But there have passed all terms, and last doubts have disappeared. It was necessary to think — what to do? And she thought. All night long. Thoughts on mother which by all means will not transfer it, about suicide, about murder flashed... Have already begun to knock under windows the first trams when it was forgot for a short while in a heavy dream-unconsciousness, and lips it still muttered: — Anybody... Never... Anybody... In the morning Irka, having looked at it, has thrown up the hands. — Lenka, you to die were going to! You as like as two peas resemble a shade of old man Hamlet! — but its voice has there and then trembled — something terrible was in the opinion of Lena. Not clear. And Irka has suddenly become angry: — Yes spit you, at last, on it Vorozhejkina! Spit and pound! Session has come to an end. Lena, having handed over all on excellent", has departed home, under Krasnoyarsk. There it it is obedient listened to lamentations of mother and reprimands of the severe father that is too retrained, that and look will be ill, etc . It soon has dexterously translated conversation to another, has hinted, that not in a capital way is dressed and then for a vacation the cassock, dresses has sewed by means of Gali, elder sister, two superfashionable, wide, as popovskaja. Still it some times went in city library, took, reddening, in a reading room «the Directory of the accoucheur-gynecologist» and attentively it studied. When she saw in drawings skrjuchennye beings in the disfigured female bodies, disgust and hatred attacks forced it to close eyes for a second and to do over themselves effort, to suppress palpitation. She with loathing felt, how in it something moves, but then, calming down, forced itself to understand, that it should not be yet — still early. In some days it, with simplification having kissed each other with native, has departed to Moscow. Irka has not arrived yet. Lena in the first put descended in department store and has bought four wide man's belts. She has sewed their one to one on the general lining and, having adjusted on the size, has tightened this self-made corset on the still a thin stomach. «As at a horse the harness», — has gloomily grinned it. The most difficult will be — to hide these belts from Irki at which, besides, was a foolish habit to embrace unexpectedly. Irka has come tearing along, having been late for a week. The life has entered into the habitual track: Irka walked, Lena studied. Time was felt that snow on eaves at first has thawn, the thaw, then on high poplars behind a window zapuzyrilis kidneys has finished ringing, and then branches poplar were pasted over with leaflets and it was possible day and night to hold a window the opened. Time was felt and that Lena should make from time to time new holes in belts and slightly to weaken a corset, differently from pains in a stomach it was impossible to sleep. Nerves its all time have been strained, and she already started to get tired of all it. More soon! 7 Childbirth has begun unexpectedly, at night. Irki, fortunately, was not, and in a room there was a booming tangible silence. All has occurred surprisingly simply, somehow by itself. And a pain was not, there was only a pain expectation. Lena has not had time to come round, as the child has already appeared at it in hands. It with loathing held the red, wrinkled, wet, slippery being on flying away. Has then groped a neck and has started to squeeze fingers. Palms have slipped, and the child with a sickening sound shmjaknulsja on a floor. Lena, having grown stiff, has seized it and has not had time to lift plainly as it has again slipped out and has hit about a floor. Suddenly the person of the child, remaining small, has instantly acquired moustaches and a head of hear, it has extended a wet red hand forward and voice Stasa is plaintive zablejal: — L-l-l-lenochka!. Lena has started back and it is terrible, in all voice, has cried: — Aaaaaaaa! It already bothered Irka: — Lena! Lenka, what with you? — And then when Lena, knocking teeth about glass edge, large drinks drank water and covered with a blanket more densely a stomach, Irka has with conviction told: — Is not present, you should rush to debauchery, and that you from this cramming will clink glasses! When Irka, already having extinguished light, again snuffled in the corner and even hardly gave a snore, as people all healthy and happy with a life give a snore, Lena is melancholy cried also all whispered: «For what?.» She suddenly has sharply envied Irke which lives so easily, cheerfully, interestingly, not reflecting... Why to it, Lena, it was necessary to stumble only one time and at once such payment? For what it so? Perhaps what she so seriously looks at a life? And the life is much easier... But after all she slightly despises Irku for its relation to a life... Viscous viscous thoughts turned in a head until zavereshchal an alarm clock. May has arrived unexpectedly, as the letter from the friend to the far childhood. The city has washed spring water, has rung out, became tender. Lena more often, having felt through an open window this caress and call of the looked younger Moscow, sighed and again sat down textbooks — session began the difficult. It left a room only in a dining room, and that once a day, and in the morning and in the evening quite often managed tea. She has tried even to start to smoke, that also to it already to do much harm to that, but the organism did not accept a smoke, and it was limited to that has ceased to do remarks Irke which scorched cigarettes one for another. If Lena as in a distant campaign, went on faculty to pass the next examination Irka rushed without the rest, made dizzy in the spring, new love, already in any post-graduate student, and overflowed with energy. Once it has flown in a room and, thinking to please Lena, has thumped: — You know, Stas now about you asked! And it smart nevertheless men — such kurtochka! Inquired: it is possible to come, say, a writing-book any, speaks, to take away it is necessary... Lena has got a chubby writing-book from a case and has easy told: — On, give to it and tell very distinctly, that if he once again will try, as recently, to greet me at a meeting, I to it in the person will spit at all. And tell. Speaking it, Lena has suddenly noticed, that hatred somewhere there, inside, has moved inertly, slightly. Also has become angry about itself for it. 8 Examinations came nearer to the end. Many in a hostel have already packed things, being going to home or in strojotrjady. It was necessary to prepare positions. It has hardly appeared to compose plausible lie home. Lena almost sat all the day over a paper, has dug its whole basket and at last has shortly written, that while remains in Moscow, and can be, and for all summer — will work in student's labour group by telegraph and then to pass to practice in Moscow suburbs. At once it was necessary is transparent to hint that earnings at raznoschits telegrammes and probationers not all that well and consequently she hopes for their help. The second problem dared easier. Administratorsha a floor, Lily Petrovna, was zemljachkoj, too from under Krasnoyarsk (therefore Lena and lived already on the first course in dvuhmestke), and at once has calmed Lena: — Live, live, the child, though all the summer long though not all — as you want. And abituru, be not afraid, I will not settle, there will be it a place. And soon Lena has started to live one. Now it was possible to be locked on two turns, to strip to the skin and easy to have a rest, a rest, nobody being afraid. It now without disgust, and even with any curiosity considered the stomach already appreciable, round, ridiculous. Considered in a mirror all thin body, the swelled up a little small breasts, sharp clavicles and ironically whispered: — Yes ive, the woman, you will tell nothing — the premium... Simply glamour! When it was necessary to leave, it was tightened, put on one of the fashionable loose overalls and when went, tried to go feet easily and directly, and from it its gait looked strange strained. By its calculations if to take in attention all these squeezings, it should occur before term — in the end of August. As a last resort she intended is artificial to accelerate childbirth — ways has studied. Till the end of a vacation there was not too a lot of time. Sometimes, having stretched, bared, on bed, she dared to imagine, as all it will occur, as it it will make all. But at once that disgusting dream emerged in memory, and it started to turn out for fear and disgust. The destiny has prepared for it one more test. Somehow in the morning it has found the telegramme under a door: «I Will be journey to Moscow meet Galja». It was necessary to be tightened in the inquisitorial corset, all three days while sister lived from it, to be in pressure, to leave in the morning ostensibly on telegraph and in general constantly to lie. When Galja Lena otlezhivalas on bed has left all the day long on the south, and, listening to sonorous voices of entrants in a corridor, asked: — More soon, more soon!. 9 Last days on it has started to press loneliness. Especially in the evenings, when heat of the first August days was dissolved also a city straightened shoulders, it, having thrown with a dressing gown, hours sat on a window sill of the opened window. Below cheerfully played volleyball, cheerful people, and then when darkened shouted, couples walked, the guitar ring, a low murmur, laughter and even as it seemed to it, — the sounds of kisses forcing it to shudder reached. In nose bridge tickled, and from rising tears began rez in eyes. Later, at night, from loneliness compressed heart fear, and it has been compelled to switch on both light, and the tape recorder. In one of evenings, on Saturday, it went from a dining room, has noticed the poster and was amazed to the film name — «do not steal my child!» The film concert hall was here, near to a dining room, and she has hasty bought the ticket. The film has appeared American. The young beautiful girl, having pretended to be enamoured and vljubiv she in itself, is tempted on the instructions of any firm with the guy. The child who should be born, is already sold for the big money to rich childless family. All it reveals, and young mother desperately struggles for the child... Lena, having concealed breath, looked at the screen: «Why she has not begun to hate this child? After all she before disgust has begun to hate the guy. And the child from it... Have decided? I hate both... Both? Yes! Yes!» Lena tried to feel the hatred and when represented moustaches Stasa, flinched, but as tried, it could not present really child in any way... «I Hate it or not?» It started to move already, is not present-is not present and will be pushed softly, but is persevering. And each time Lena faded — has begun? Once it laid, thumbing through any book, and has suddenly recollected a bag. Still then, thinking over the plan, it has planned both a bag, and a scoop, and even station from which will go — with Kazan because went on this road and has remembered dense wood at once in the country. It it has planned all, and here a bag till now has not prepared. Lena potykalas on corners, understanding, that in vain — at it except a suitcase and a portfolio was nothing. It was necessary to be tightened and be dragged in shop. There she somehow efficiently and not hurrying up has chosen an oil-cloth capacious bag and is unexpected, at the last minute, also a huge cellophane package. At home has undressed, ustelila what for a bottom of a bag the newspaper, has put there iron lopatoobraznyj a garbage scoop and cellophane. And has then looked at this prepared business bag, and its beginnings to scold a shiver. She looked at a terrible bag, and its teeth oppositely klatsali and as it squeezed jaws, staccato knocking did not stop. Lena has sharply pushed a bag under a bed, has muffled with a head in a blanket, with melancholy has thought, that also on bed something to spread it is necessary … And – has begun to cry. 10 Someone has stuck iron claws into a bottom of a stomach and has started to tear apart its body. Heart has stopped. There was a midday. Lena rubber hands with effort has pulled on itself a dressing gown («What for, what for I do it?»), left, being unsteady, in a corridor, and, holding a stomach a hand, along a wall has gone to 315th («What for, what for I do it?!. After all I not wished to do it!») also has become hollow there. She has had time to tell white lips of jumped Lily Petrovne: «Faster... I give birth...», — has gone into eyes and, clinging skrjuchennymi fingers for a door, has settled on a floor. Then it as if floated in any viscous warm kissel and, occasionally coming up on a surface, felt a smell of medicines and vaguely saw gauze bandages on persons, and above — a blinding ceiling... And all time there was a pain... She has regained consciousness because, that the pain is not present and has heard a strange mewing sound as if somewhere "first aid" with the switched on siren in the distance went. «What is it? — Lena wearily was surprised, and it has softly pushed in the exhausted breast. — same IT... It is live...» She wished to ask — who? The boy? — But its eyes were closed, and it has plunged into pleasant dark silence... «It is live!» 1980
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© Rosedkin Sergey Nikolaevich, 2001
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