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Main | News | Cut-away | fotobio | Prose | About Dostoevsky | J. Roberts | Humour | Non-fikshn | Criticism | Nude Teens |
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LJUPOF P. 10 |
3. Orgazm To mine Lyoshenke, on May, 21st, 20-58 (1st day) Lyosha, the darling, native! Hi! I begin the ispovedalnyj a diary. There has passed only day as you have left, and I already get to melancholic holes. Happens, so heart melancholy will pinch — though a wolf howl. And how I without you?! But you in my heart, and my love heat me, rescues … Thanks, that you have called from Moscow! Your voice (native-prerodnoj!!!!!!!) has heard and has understood, that you nearby — and our separation only in the length a telephone line! So, on May, 21st. … the Small rain. A strong gusty wind. 10-12 degrees of heat. Has started to read "Idiot". While early about something to speak. «Seven days» prolistala — there interview to Roberts (is more exact, Mrs. Moder: so she asks it to name — on the husband!). Has communicated with reraised Lenkoj (at it the new partner). Had no conversation with D. N (as this did not call!). Has met today in the street gna Hvostova. He has stopped me, the beginnings «a tail to wag», all to me for some reason in a mouth looked. The impression was made, that he is rather afraid of me a little. Has praised for my review of your book and has added: «Alina, you not simply beautiful, clever and talented girl, you and any author, even the most worthless if you will want, can transform into the genius … Be engaged seriously in criticism: criticism present to us in Baranove (and in Russia!) it is necessary!» He spoke, and I stood indifferent to its chatter and thought of you, all rolled-sank in our memoirs! Towards the end of Tails even has advised to send some my opuses in "Literaturku"! About as! By the way, about "Literaturke" … your task-commission is carried out: I have taken away a future issue from the lovely girl from YOUR-OUR booth. Similar, I too was pleasant to it … I go at faculty by your office, and the inscription "Alexey Alekseevich Domashnev" heats to me a soul, is exact it for me hangs-shouts! And behind a wall — MEMORY, our recent affinity! All reminds me of you. You everywhere: in my heart, thoughts, air — around! On TV (channel "Culture") the documentary film about Dostoevsky goes, already unlimited series — has a little found; in news — Siberia flashes … As if is simple so! But anything it is simple so does not occur! Miracles any! You though understand, that destiny (or someone else!) helps us to transfer separation and wants, that we were TOGETHER! So, I have left University somewhere in the half-fourth. Visors "LG", has bought ice-cream and has trudged home (to all winds to spite!). Attempted, TV has looked, "LG" and "KP" esteemed, has taken a bath (there represented as after long separation you I will embrace-will compress!). And here at 20-00 village for a computer also has begun to write to you the letter. Excuse, that has very in detail turned out! Painfully I would like to communicate, share with you news, at least virtually! And in general, I wish to divide with you a life — both in pleasure, and in a grief! Lyoshenka, I on anybody so strongly did not miss, as on you! «To me without you — each hour for about a year!» Exactly, as at Aseev. Now I will go "FZ" to look and burst ice-cream. Just the concert will end, and you will get under way to Ekaterinburg, and I in a dream will see off, wish you a kind way! A dream — unique (so long!) a place where we can meet! Let I will dream you! See you tomorrow, my sweet! I miss and like! Your waiting. To mine Lyoshenke, on May, 22nd, 12-48 (2nd day) Greetings! Has woken up today almost in eleven. So fine slept (with virtual you!). On the Internet has sat, now to examinations I will sit down to prepare. On a creative path at me while a hole from a bagel. Something verses are not written. And mood not so. Lyosha, I without you dry up … I do not live and I do not write. Torture any! The day off like, instead of the day off at all. You now in a train shiver and too, probably, dream of rest and about me!!! That houses not to go mad at all — I will go somewhere to the half-fifth to Lenke. I will have heard plenty of its sexual nonsense, can, I will distract a little! And generally and with it I do not wish to see (anybody!), but houses are even worse. I will go still "Idiot" I esteem (with you as though I will communicate-pokontachu!). See you! Perhaps tomorrow will be not so nasty … Your become bored. To mine Lyoshenke, on May, 23rd, 17-00 (3rd day) Lyosha, the darling liked! Hi! At us here now such dozhdishche pours — a wall, with bubbles … Horror! Yesterday the sky only frowned, but so really and has not become angry, and today — ufff! And my muzhiks (the brother and papik), you represent, on a summer residence have left — here now use foul language! I Lyosha would not go to such weather on a kitchen garden! More cleverly Lyoshi the animal is not present! By the way, promised next week considerable warming, to +25. We will look, have told lies or not! As you there, my sun! To reports you listen-swallow hours? On the one hand it is healthy, interesting, unusual; with another — after three already, probably, it is tiresome … As your health? Mine while anything — krantik will tighten hardly! How Ekaterinburg? I hope, that on Monday you will call also I will hear your voice! Than today was engaged? 1. Has helped the brother with course — to issue, group, of something to print out. 2. Itself prepared for examinations. 3. Has rested in bed in a hot bath with fir butter — something the throat slightly disturbs. 4. In the Internet has a little sat. 5. Cleaning in a room has made. 6. I will go KVN in the evening to look, and after "Idiot" to read. At Lenki yesterday has slightly vanished. Though it little bit upset: whether see, I very much was pleasant its new bojfrendu to Oleg, and it cracked to it, what I beautiful, clever, gentle and womanly — without a stop. Then, the truth, has understood, that has gone too far, and they long (hour two as Lenka told) valjalis-somersaulted on a grass-lawn directly on quay at all on eyes and zalazili each other under clothes where only it is possible! Lyosha! LYOSHA!! LyoSHa!!! I like you! I wish to be and live with you! I miss! I kiss you! I Wait! I adore! I worry! To a grief! You catastrophically do not suffice me as the person, the friend, the teacher, the writer, eventually, the man! My angel, without your wing with my one me is not flied, is not! Yours polovinka. See you tomorrow! To mine Lyoshenke, on May, 24th, 20-32 (4th day) Greetings, smart guy! You in general are??? Neither to hearing, nor spirit … Thought, that you will call today … Probably, there was no time. And can, you have already forgotten me and have weaned? Very much it would be desirable to believe, that is not present! Even, if and so, let I learn about it from you … For now — that to guess?! Day was today sated both very solar and warm. In such weather it would be desirable to live, like, create! But without you all it is impossible! You — a missing mosaic for happiness, more precisely, 99 % of mosaics! One percent is — spring! The nature was absolutely enraged: yesterday a rain a wall, today zharishcha! "Literaturku" has read up — number very much even! Especially about the joint venture of Russia, as though on the eve of congress: problems, offers!. You will arrive — you esteem! About T.Tolstoy good, professional (it is serious, without an irony share!), objective article! And it is a lot of very much even quite good verses! (If you already in Ekaterinburg have not read about all it …) Yesterday, by the way, a poem has written — very unusual to me. To you it I will not send, I will leave for a dessert. Though — what for to you it, and can, and I?! Stop!!! More slowly, horses … "Idiot" — a remarkable thing; and Dostoevsky — remarkable; and you too!!! You know, now I too can ask a rhetorical question: «As I lived earlier without F. M. D?!» (You, of course, have guessed for a long time, what course «in time context» I have made hastily-has compiled “Time”, that to you to be driven?!) there where Dostoevsky tells about itself Myshkin's lips — a class!!! About thoughts that bulk up in a head one minute prior to execution … And about poor Mari … I even have started up tear! Not product — a charm! CHashkin me today got — called, and has then deigned to come. Begged to talk to it, to descend somewhere … in general, an old song … Thin, lips and hands shiver. It is a pity to me it! And still I have not restrained — and it has left again cursed both poured by verbal and emotional slops! I will go now filmets any on TV I will look. Here like and all news of today. Lyosha! Call me tomorrow! Tell, that you are live-is healthy, think of me, that you in general are! Perhaps I have thought up you also all these five months — a dream! And? My darling, I so miss, minutes I consider see you with you! I LIKE YOU, I so do not have not enough your hands, eyes, lips, sights, words … Come back to me! I very much wait for you! You hear? ZHDUUUUU!!! Tell though briefly about itself! I go mad! Alinka. lan2004@mail.ru, on May, 24th, 19-26 (the Answer from Urals Mountains) Alina, lovely, native, hi!!! Here it I. After two days of party scientifically-professorial (it is heavy — extremely) I wished to call you, but could not find in the nice city of Ekaterinburg long-distance phone in any way and here have come across Internet communication. It is glad for you, that you will receive this my message and will understand, that I am live, sensible, I THINK only of you. It is a shame to tell, but all time washes away me to somebody to admit-tell, that I have Alina — the beauty (terribly to tell) 20th years … Today there was a record on local TV: I and professor Koljadkin (local) — 15 minutes on air. Furore the uttermost. And from my book about Dostoevsky, and from my talent (with you I can be is frank-is fair-raskreposhchyonno-objective) … But all it so, trifles. I grieve for you and very badly myself I conduct. I will confess, that I drink beer, and now here on a buffet table in the absence of beer has allowed also to steam of glasses of dry wine … Most it disturbs! More shortly, I wish you to ask: run from me! Throw me! I, maybe, will ruin your life … However, I suspect, that you know it … Here such philosophy. Has now left from party, has not gone together with all to continue a holiday-pjanku in restaurant, I will take a walk on a city, a bittern (well) still pivtsa yes I will go to sleep. To Abakan I have already bought the ticket, I leave in 26th morning. Hours rage: the alarm clock works through time, it is visible, they grieve for yours (as it remarkably, that at us hours-twins!). Well here, has written the first letter twice more long, than your three. Before departure of Ekaterinburg I will try to make once again calling in the Internet. Prepare for a meeting! I like, whole, I suffer, I want … (Without exclamation marks!!!!!!) Alexey. To mine Lyoshenke, on May, 24th, 20-39 (Off-schedule) Lyosha! Has only just sent the «4th day», and you in the Internet to me already pismetso have thrown the long-awaited! Thanks! It is glad, that at you very well! That you are live and healthy and remember me! And record on local TV — in general it is healthy! Concerning alcohol — I hope for your firmness. I guess, that else there will be o-o th as many temptations! Fasten! I like! I wait! To the following meeting by phone, in the Internet, in a dream — as it will turn out! Yours. To mine Lyoshenke, on May, 25th, 17-19 (5th day) Pleasure washing, hi! Weather again becomes crazy: in the afternoon of heat, towards evening — a rain, the truth, warm, not malicious. To you now, podi, it is good: dialogue with clever people on a symposium, moreover and with everyones vkusnostjami on buffet tables! And I here several sweets manage yes dialogue with kobelkami at faculty! When you will return to my life?! Called in turbjuro concerning ours Gelendzhika — it is necessary to bring an advance payment (1 thousand rbl. from the person) and our passports. There are permits on any change. Without your passport — in any way. Good, you will arrive — we will solve. I think, it is better to us to go on the South in September (and we necessarily will go!!!): for a week I in a teaching department will ask for leave and with days off just 10 days will turn out, and at you, I think, problems too will not be … With study all in an old fashion — session on a nose. At home too any incidents. What I did today? Even — I do not know. Like anything, but somehow time has spent?! Basically read — F. M. D and "LG" read up. I attempt now and I will go filmets one on a computer to look («13 phantoms»), the brother whence has brought yesterday. Then I will sit a little in the Internet and bainki. … Here it is number, and behind a window already the sun! But without you on a shower it is cloudy! Come back! More soon! I wait! I think! I miss! Without your kisses and caresses my body longs!!! Your Alina. lan2004@mail.ru, on May, 25th, 18-35 (I Grieve!) Alinushka, hi, my pleasure!!! Today during reports only about you thought and (excuse) spoke with one my good friend-companion about you. I remember you, I THINK. I like you! But only again and again I admit: I behave badly — saws all the day long beer. One only thought-hope: in a train to Abakan I will cease to make a fool and I will recollect, that to me still to LIVE, LIVE, LIVE!!! The darling, native (at all in a theme), return to CHashkinu!!!!! I terribly am afraid, that at us all will be bad. I at all do not believe, that you are, that you were in my life … Good, Alinka, me simply it is very bad. I do not want now to Abakan, anywhere … I Wish to see you, to press to myself, to kiss (strong, strong!) to ENTER into you … All — excuse … I like you. Remember it. And you me like. There is nobody, except us. You and I. You are sent me by the God. I know, that I will live not too much, and consequently … All — nonsenses have gone. The most important thing even if I for these days while we do not see, will decide, that I should leave you, all the same — you the MOST GRANDIOSE, THAT was In my LIFE!!! Alina, we, possibly, are created for each other. Simply the nature promahnulas-was mistaken for 20-25 years … And all the same — I LIKE you!!! Farewell day on three, yet I will not reach to Abakan. Whole strong-strong (and to crying)! I. To mine Lyoshenke, on May, 25th, 21-08 (Внеплановое-2) My sun, for God's sake, I ask you, I beg, be not foolish! How in separation such it is possible to write-think?! I live without you I can not, I here (in it, excuse, sranom Baranove!) one, ABSOLUTELY ALONE, without you! I without you and to live I do not want and did not live! What, to hell, CHashkin, it and so me has got! Really you want, that I was unfortunate? Is not present? Then be with me, like me, remember me! Because to me this hrenova (well, has gone-has gone!) the life-zhituha without you is not necessary! After your letter both it is good, and it is bad! And to shout with happiness it would be desirable, and obglotatsja tablets! I cannot without you! Lyosha, Lyoshechka, the darling my, native, liked, unique, do not leave me! As to you only in a head this thought could come! I do not know, that I with myself will make, if … I can not write more … Painfully … Coldly … some Tear … Think have degaussed …. I. To mine Lyoshenke, on May, 26th, 19-28 (6th day) Well, hi! At weather to see, really critical days. I mean not a rain (it slightly drips, "blind"), and lomku any. Such vetrishche (very cold) today, already roofs rattle also trees to bend. The sky continually tightens clouds. In such weather the house to leave it would not be desirable. But it was necessary to be dragged in University. So, the first stage behind shoulders — 1/3 our separations. There were 12 days. 12 days without you!!! I hope, that in a train you think that we will be together and any nonsenses (as yesterday!) to your nice clever brain do not come! Water hot till June, 6th have disconnected (pipes repair). "Idiot" tightens all more strongly. The aunt from Znamenka has arrived. Religious procession was today (an icon any Ryazan to us has arrived). Here such here novostjushki! I wait, when you will send me greetings from Abakan! It is necessary, the truth to consider, that at us chetyryohchasovaja a difference! Well it of anything! In a train neujut, and at my place — it is not better. To anybody I do not wish to talk. Relatives sound the alarm: that supposedly occurs to me! How to them to explain, what I am a sleeping beauty who will wake only a kiss of the liked prince?! Yours netselovannaja. P. S. Evening plans include viewing filmetsa (on the screw any new has again appeared, the brother, whether that, has brought?!), a floor sink on kitchen and an estimation of new belongings of my aunt which, probably, bought up the half-market. I hate, when my room turns to a podium, as my mirror almost in all growth. But it is necessary to suffer yes a head pokivat supposedly it is pleasant … to Pretend, that to an external world still I contact, not I maman me in a mental hospital will hand over that or the psychologist any will drag. And the daughter has simply fallen in love really and lives without this love and liked does not see! See you tomorrow, liked mine, my love! To mine Lyoshenke, on May, 27th, 22-08 (7th day) Lyosha! Native! Liked! Regret me — krantik has opened! Now I am am excited with other weather (instead of that, that behind a window!). I feel not so well. Has stayed today hour ones and a half at lectures and has gone to Lenke. I go in the bus and I understand, that somehow became diskomfortno. As soon as left, at once has come into a drugstore — behind an analginum ampoule (on everyone the fireman!). And it is exact! At Lenki as the stomach has seized (mine, not it!) — thanks invaluable analginum. In half an hour has departed — and I again the person! Has copied "Game" (a film on motives of "Magician"). Have sat, for a life have talked, to music have listened, new photos have looked. Has told to it, as to me without you toshno. And me without you it is sickening. Home has arrived almost to eight. And here again the stomach was ill, to see, analginum ceases to operate. I will go now "Game" I will look yes in postelku. My sun, how you there, where you there?! Respond! I without you as the twin divided with the significant other, completely it is disoriented, lost, thrown! But I am invigorated! After all our separation is not eternal! And ahead — our LIFE! I very much miss on you! Whole hot-hot! See you tomorrow, zolottse mine! The unique. lan2004@mail.ru, on May, 28th, 12-19 (it is bad without you!!!) Alina! To me very much and very badly. Without you. I am not so glad, that have gone to this foolish Siberia. As I would like to be now with you nearby, to kiss … Everything, see you tomorrow. Something at me today mood not so. Anybody here does not learn me, and I am not necessary to anybody … Now I will try to call you. I kiss you!!!!! I. To mine Lyoshenke, on May, 28th, 15-13 (8th day) My darling, I too madly miss! And Rams to me without you it is not lovely! And I after all like the city! But without you it — I, another's! Went today on it and recollected, how we together more recently went on the same small streets, avenues … You — my life! In you my life! LYOSHA, I very much LIKE YOU!!! But it is necessary to rejoice to that you have arrived home! It after all is healthy! Present, that we have arrived together, after all I always with you: in your thoughts, heart, a head! So, we never also did not leave! Tell more in detail, how there Siberia, sister, nephews, old friends-acquaintances, people in general? And how attitude? Yes, many thanks, love washing, that has called, not that I would become crazy without you! Your voice has rescued-has recovered me: a native and is gentle-sad voice! Has made today two important issues: ours "Literaturku" has redeemed-has taken away and for the Internet for us the TWO has paid. You see, you in Baranove are not present, and you all the same with me, all my affairs around yes about YOU! In the evening I am going to "Game" nevertheless to look (yesterday and has not crawled to a computer, skrjuchilo a stomach particularly, therefore I was early cut down!). Well and, as usually on Fridays, in the menu "FZ". Perhaps and you will look too, means, we will look TOGETHER! We always together! We ALWAYS will be together! At us here already a heat-zharishcha (degrees 20-25). And in Abakan as? The darling, do not long, tomorrow it will be halfway passed — 9 days of separation. Nine More — and we again together! I will kiss you — in my tenderness will sink! At us ahead — eternity! And these 18 days — such nonsense-a little! You always (it is constant!) in my thoughts, you protect me from all this external-packing! In separation my feeling to you burns-blazes even more! I LIKE YOU! I WAIT! And you live these days for us a two: with advantage and pleasure that Who was not painfully sick for … knows, when you still will arrive again to Siberia, and?! Therefore use possibility — LIVE: same absolutely other life! And, it is final (necessarily!), recollect and think of me! DREAM! And I will dream! See you tomorrow! I — yours, always yours and only yours! And you — mine, always mine and only mine! We — the happiest on light! Your happy because, that you are! To mine Lyoshenke, on May, 29th, 16-52 (9th day) Hi, my pleasure! When this torture will come to an end?! As I would like you to see, embrace, kiss, tell, how you are necessary to me … Today half-day (and as much health!) has left in the market. At first a belonging, then products, on footwear there were no forces! And I, and maman were exhausted, have come without feet. Moreover and in an Internet from you a news is not present. Now I will go English to hollow. Then "Idiot" I will get drunk, a film any I will look, and to sleep-snuffle. By the way, a film "Game" I already looked for a long time, therefore instead of it yesterday have had a look another — "Artificial intellect". A picture — super, obrevelas! To you should like too! This film at me on a disk is, as will arrive — it yours! You only come, it is obligatory and is faster (did not wish to write this word, but I will not sustain even 9 days!). In general, I can not neither smile, nor cry! I think only of you! Come back to me! I miss madly! Tomorrow I go at 12-00 with Lenkoj it heppi byozdej to mark. I will come in the evening. Therefore I will write already when you, probably, you will leave in dream embraces. At us after all 4 hours a difference. If I, say, come hours per 6 evenings, at you will be already 10. Lyosha! The darling! Write! WRITE to me! I should feel-feel you! Whole — where you will wish-will want!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yours of the Smoke. lan2004@mail.ru, on May, 30th, 13-09 (I Miss!!!!!!) Alina, to me today so it is bad, that simply there are no words. In New Village on Saturday and Sunday there is no access to the Internet, and at sister I in any way yet will not adjust the house. And here has arrived to Abakan, has hardly found the Internet-exit … The most improbable happiness in my life — you. And — day when I will see you. I LIKE YOU!!!!! I the fool that has gone. We in general cannot leave first two-three years … Alina, here, in separation from you I have definitively understood … And that have understood — I will tell at a meeting. Everything, today farewell. Tomorrow, give the God, I will adjust houses at sister the Internet and then we will communicate almost that on the air. I kiss you all — each breast, Manechku … VZASOS!!!!! Alexey. To mine Lyoshenke, on May, 30th, 18-12 (10th day) The darling my, native! As it is remarkable, that you APPEARED! Did not think, that in New Village such problem with the Internet. Yesterday also did not know, of what to think, when has not found out in the box of a long-awaited mail from my liked! I terribly miss, yesterday almost ate nothing — I can not and I do not want! Today with Lenkoj though has vanished: have sat in a pizzeria (have celebrated its last birthday — it was on Monday), have taken a walk on Quay. Four applicants (on something!) otshili. At me on a finger a wedding ring, I belong only to you, I — YOURS! And in another way cannot be! So my day has passed today here so! As it is remarkable, that has come, has switched on a computer, and in our Internet-house — YOU! Thanks, that you are in my life! You — the most perfect, that only were and could be-happen with me! In the evening I am going to to make three business with a prefix "on": to esteem Dostoevsky, to wash something intimate, it is a little to look TV, yes, perhaps, and all! Lyosha! Only you can wake me! Our fairy tale — kind and light! tomljus! I wait! I kiss you there (where also you me!). I shiver from a cold-separation, come and warm me! Know and remember, that I like you! Very much-very! Strongly-strongly! Your bride. lan2004@mail.ru, on May, 31st, 12-16 (There is no life …) Alina, alas, to me so it is bad, that I start to go mad! Here all not that. Not that meal, not that drink, not those people, not those affairs-cares … I only also think-dream more likely to arrive and start to live former our life … However, will suffice to be cried and njunit. Here business still in weather: today downpours and thunder-storms all the day long. I from melancholy drink beer and kompleksuju … All. I stop and, not to spoil to you mood, I become silent. Now I will go to Abakan, I will take a walk. There — is more cheerful. (If, of course, the rain strong will not be.) I kiss you!!! (Without comments.) To mine Lyoshenke, on May, 31st, 14-52 (11th day) Pretty mine! Well suffer! Remains slightly, and we again will be together. If I now could embrace you, probably, would be in the seventh sky with happiness! Tomorrow again I will call you (more precisely, your sister). At the tenth o'clock — at you it will be second o'clock in the afternoon. So do not sail away anywhere at this time! Has forgotten to tell to you by phone (and communication was awful!) — you all night long dreamt me. We made love (love, instead of sex!), you SLID in me, were madly gentle and tender … I Have woken up raised, grieving, WET (where only it is possible!), even it seemed to me, that I smell as you! Yes, today D. N saw in the street: has walked by, in a pointed manner having turned away. Yes, to hell all of them! You are necessary to me only! I live not as I want! And it strains. Today almost did nothing, only with Lenkoj communicated, which on the bank of the river in Budyonnovsk was engaged last night in different kinds of OCCURRENCES, kissed different men (known to it and not the known!) and women (well at last!). And I sat and almost to it did not listen, thought of you, about us, recollected, how to us was (and will be!) it is remarkable together! That you have not forgotten, as I look — I send to you two photos. By the way, I and have not understood, whether you have adjusted the Internet at sister? Lyosha! When you will arrive also I again I will be yours! When you will be IN me? I madly WANT you!!! In the evening I am going to to read, write, look. I will not go anywhere, and I do not want! Tomorrow we will be heard and will exchange mails! SKUUUCHAAAJU!!!!!!!!!! LJUJUJUJUBLJUJUJUJU!!!!!!!!!! Your shouting-howling. To mine Lyoshenke, on May, 31st, 21-22 (Внеплановое-3) Lyoshenka! Depression torments! Come more soon! Lyosha! Native! I have got confused! Has looked your videoarchive — you there such happy (WITHOUT me)! I like you, but whether I have the right to BUILD if for this purpose it is necessary to DESTROY? Yours of the Smoke. To mine Lyoshenke, on June, 1st, 19-19 (12th day) My light! Where you were gone today? Mood at me not all that well! Your film looked and understood, that earlier you were another and last year for some reason a ring wedding still carried. I understand nothing! And the wife you to see, then still liked! And can, and now at heart still you like! All vyshenapisannoe is reduced to one: if I do not see you — I will go mad, I will pull out last hair (on a head), I will impose on myself hands (as Ippolit would make if was not ill — "Idiot") … My God, Lyoshenka, well tell (write, call …), that only I is necessary to you and about me all your thoughts! At me mental illness, probably, starts to develop — so-called feeling of fault … before D.N.Hot go to it and apologise that I — such bad, artful, «young a knot» which has withdrawn boldly the husband! And return you to it I can not (I can not!) because I like more lives and I do not represent a life without you! And can, I really such scoundrel? And? Has destroyed what had no right to destroy? Everything, me already klinit! Today to University did not go. Depression full — in an audience could not sit! What did all the day long? Hrenju toiled. I had today the real hysterics: tears, shouts (type: «Lag behind all of you me, it is bad to me!»). Without you I turn to the real idiot, but not as at F. M, there the hero — superpositive, correct, pure and fair; and I — and near to all these characteristics did not roll! Has counterbalanced me that I have decided me to deduce from a trance and took to Budyonnovsk: daddy's mum have put in hospital, something there with heart — went to come to see. Really, this trip has revived me. I have understood-has driven: explainably that I wait, I grieve, I am broken off … After all very much I like, therefore and I suffer! Sweet mine, be not surprised to the previous mail — it was written in a fever, in tears, a hysterics … Lyosha! Cure me words warm and gentle! I die without you! And more me torments, what at you was (?!) a family … So, again the old plate joins! Now I will go tea to drink — not that again to cry I will begin! My God, when you will return?!. Your madwoman. To mine Lyoshenke, on June, 2nd, 17-56 (13th day) Lyosha! Here did not think, that the trip to Siberia will bring such "surprises"! You that, have seriously washed down??! Your voice by phone was such terrible … I do not wish you to ask, learn, moralize … If you like me — all will be resolved by itself! Day has passed nasty as you understand! All time you thought of what fool! The enamoured fool! Now too I will go and I will get drunk! With Lenkoj at us a marksman for eight evenings. The rain pours, but I so have solved … Alina. To mine Lyoshenke, on June, 3rd, 17-00 (14th day) Lyosha! The darling! My life! What you with me do? I become crazy and to live I do not want! Anything I can not do, I can not eat, I can not smile … Yesterday has returned in the first to o'clock in the morning. To me yesterday was so painfully and terribly, that I thought I will be hung up or under the car I will rush! But there is you … It was necessary to get drunk too … Today — a terrible hang-over! My sun, what you do? At us with you the WHOLE LIFE ahead, and you spoil all! I like you, I wait, I remember, madly I miss, I WANT!!!!!!!!!!! All the day today instead of preparation for examination of "Idiot" read. You all there! Therefore at me with you a continuous communication! The hang-over has exhausted me. I now — pale, as poganka! Thought, that I will have a sleep in the afternoon, but it is not slept! Only you thoughts — every second … I Recollect our meetings, AFFINITY … My God when we will be again together?! Now I write this letter, and to live it would not be desirable at all. I Look out of the window — there the sun, trees … And for what all it if you with me are not present nearby?! If you do not return to me — I, the word of honour, hands on myself I will impose. I think, the easiest way — tablets to swallow … But after all can pump out, and then it is necessary to fasten for certain with this nasty life … to Jump out?. Yes, neestetichno, it is unhygienic, terrible … But the life without you has no value, therefore — all the same! Parents it is a pity, but the exit of another is not present! You though understand, how to me now HRENOVO?????!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Words not to pass! To hang it would be desirable! What to do, Lyosha? Perhaps now to go and obglotatsja?. With pleasure, but me you on Tuesday to meet at station and to live with you, and to be yours! Therefore I will postpone suicide for uncertain term! I do not know, than to be engaged, but something I will think up. Yours Aglaja. (I try to be-seem cynical and not to show to you as to me actually it is bad … But it is impossible! LYOYOYOSHSHSHAAA! I die … Yesterday's and today's days have taken away from me, probably, a half-life and as much nerves! You will return, and you are waited here not by your beloved beauty, and the old woman!) lan2004@mail.ru, on June, 4th, 12-14 (Two words) I like! I am late for a train. Meal. Lyosha. To mine Lyoshenke, on June, 4th, 18-29 (15th day) My candy! As it is remarkable, that I have had time to catch and talk you before otchalivaniem to Abakan. For «two words» thanks!!! I so worried concerning all this ZAPOJNOJ SITUATIONS, but you have a little calmed me! Therefore today even yoghurt has pushed into itself. Yesterday only water yes tea a saw-supped. To me yesterday so it was terrible (you, probably, on a mail have understood!). My God, God forbid once again SUCH to go through! Howled in the closed room and that at house slowly there has not gone a roof, slate rustling literally, it was necessary to switch on music to the full extent! Hardly the fads has not rejected! I recollect, and — murashki on a skin! Unfortunately, yours "Literaturku" the new very young kioskyorsha-little fool (undelivered in popularity for some reason!) has sold neznamo to whom. Therefore the today's aunt (aged) apologised before me! A pier and so, us Alexey Alekseevich let will excuse! We will excuse them! Yes? The grief-melancholy exhausts from me all forces! "Idiot" enjoyed — slightly remains. Class screws F. M. D rolls! When at us was 12-40 (and in Siberia 16-40), mentally spent you to me. Has wished a kind way and more than bright dreams about me, about us! Liked Lyoshenka, think, dream, smile, recollect! I very much wait for you! I — yours, to a grief also worry! I pray to the Virgin that at you all was good! She will necessarily hear-will help! I and ours for Rams very much you we wait! Have become bored! ESPECIALLY I!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Today the ending "FZ" — I will look. Still three days, and — we again together! I consider literally hours see you! I LIKE! I KISS YOU! I GRIEVE! See you tomorrow! Your wet kitten. To mine Lyoshenke, on June, 5th, 18-05 (16th day) My pleasure! Remains absolutely slightly, and we (give the God!) again in embraces each other! Ur!!!!!! Today has woken up at 11-00, you again dreamt me — we bathed in the sea and were engaged directly there in something interesting! Then soap floors in all rooms (usually mine-namyvaju in the, in a corridor and on kitchen, but this time it it was necessary — all rooms, passes, corridors) as I maman as I already spoke to you before departure, was fell-has broken. Now KVN I will look and I will go on diskach ("Atlantis") with Lenkoj (at 21-00). It is necessary to vanish, not that I will become crazy! At me without you the real LOMKA both physical, and mental! I will dance — can, polegchaet?! See you tomorrow, my chickabiddy! Think of me! Also look do not catch a cold in a train! Take care! you — my happiness! I kiss you and Vasku, certainly (I have very much become bored of it!). Without your caresses I slowly dry up! I wait … The liked. To mine Lyoshenke, on June, 6th, 19-43 (17th day) Greetings, miracle, my MIRACLE, miracle from miracles, wonderful mine! After diskacha I feel well, vigorously. Wanted, the truth, to "Atlantis", but have gone to «Abrupt pique» — there we already once were, therefore have decided not to go to an unknown place-institution. In a fantastic way we with Lenkoj had fun, while any goat has not started to stick to me! It is good, that we have already got tired and were going to nah a house, not that would be insulting because of this anxious silly person to leave! Has come home in the first to hour. Today has solved all affairs educational and house to alter to release the next week for us! Than also was engaged all the day long. Though at you, probably, too affairs-cares you nakopilos much-was typed also them all the week long will disentangle. But the main thing, that you will be a number! Ten pages of "Idiot" remains! Has hardly come off, that to you pismetso to write! I will read up and will go a cool film to look — "Invisible being" is called. Not far off our meeting! Give the God! I think, I dream, tomljus! As though the whole ETERNITY for you waited and here there are few hours! I like you! You dream me, therefore you always with me: in the afternoon — in thoughts, at night — in dreams! I wake up with memoirs on you and I fall asleep too! Good morning, liked! Kind night, native! I. Yours. The liked. Smoke. Kitten. The angel. The girl. Alina. THE HUNGRY!. To mine Lyoshenke, on June, 7th, 19-26 (18th day) Hi, my long-awaited! At us today with you especial DATE (5 months together!), with what I you with all the heart, hearts (and more something!!!!???) I congratulate! Tomorrow I will see you! Really all these tortures come to an end? I under impression of "Idiot". Super!!! You know, and to me it is very nice Lizaveta prokofevna. Well and, certainly, Aglaja. Myshkin — the character rather lunar (unreal on a life, but F. M excellent it was possible to represent pure, kind, the hero); and here Rogozhin — without five minutes CHashkin (it, probably, too would kill me!). In general, emotions — weight! Very much it was pleasant to me, as Dostoevsky there (author) because of side scenes spies upon the heroes. A class!!! You already in Moscow — are much closer to me! And it is healthy! Like communication it would be adjusted, and I all feel you more strongly: both I, and mine Matryonushka! Water hot have given! Ur! At last! I have painted hair! In minutes twenty I will wash off. And then I will go any film I will have a look, of you I will dream and bainki! Tomorrow the important day! You know, at me now the habit to leave every evening on a balcony and minutes fifteen simply to look: in the sky, on the next houses passing the cars, another's persons and to THINK of you, about us … Go to me! I meet! One more step, and our lips will meet, our bodies will merge, you WILL enter Into me … Your yearned Aglajushka. To mine Lyoshenke, on June, 8th, 22-50 (I yours forever!!!) Lyosha, the darling! I all burn and simultaneously I conceal! Day and YOU were delightful!!! I lick-obtselovyvaju you all more and more time — already mentally and vospominatelno, but I test again present and numerous orgazm! And your honey sponges dement me literally!!! Today, when you kissed me, caressed language, and have then entered into me for the first time — I after all really with happiness and pleasure for an instant have lost consciousness (you have noticed?). And it was so touchingly, that we do not divide at all to the end (patience has not sufficed — in what ljupof does!) as if teenagers-schoolboys … Pretty mine, thanks you for that happiness, for pleasure, that you give to me!!! Lyoshka, native when I will become Domashnevoj??!! The darling liked, my happiness, see you tomorrow! I will think, dream, prepare! You and only you in my thoughts! I was over head and ears in love with you and every day I thank the God that he to me has presented you! Without you I cannot — like me! And I like you madly! I ask you — NOT RAZLJUBLIVAJ me! I of it will not go through! Thanks for that you are and that YOU WITH me! I of it am not worthy, but, believe — I try, am puffed up very much that you were happy! Excuse, Lyoshka! Yes, I the small little fool and you it is necessary to like me such — not skilled, children's, tsiklichesko-non-uniform (?!), voobrazhalu, the hammered small animal, thin, sensitive, defenceless, silly … I do not know, what else! The main thing — LIKE! You always SUPER, the BEST, MOST-MOST!!! I kiss you on the mouth, and Vasju — ALL! As though I now wished to see again and you, and IT, to let in both of you myself!!! Your girl-shalunja. P. S. Lyosha! The darling! Give nevertheless we will meet and tomorrow! I have already mortally become bored, do not kill me! Present to me tomorrow day with you and! Please! I beg!!! The foolish. To my Alina, on June, 8th, 23-15 (And I yours!) Alinka, I so am improbably happy, that we again together! The more (longer) we will be together, the longer our happy days … (more) will last Alina (it is serious), our relations (yes that there — love!) enter (et) such phase, that we or will scatter into different orbits, or so firmly and we will forever merge in embrace, that … Like! Like me!! And — farewell to me any small nonsenses! I wish to be with you TO the DEATH. And there — we will look … More shortly, I start to suspect, that I CAN not LIVE WITHOUT YOU … ANY MORE I wish you — be with me. Be with me always. With me be happy. Be with me all to spite. Be with me even if to you will not be wished to be with me. Be with me ALWAYS. I too wasted today consciousness during our affinity! I and now ALL in you! You feel?! And more I admit (laugh, laugh!) why I this morning so long did not leave the car: I — cried. Yes, I when have seen in a window, as you (such beautiful, native, become bored!) you stand on platform — at me the sweet clod to a throat has driven … Whole in the person, in a stomach, in … Further — everywhere! Yours and only yours forever! Alexey. P. S. To hell all affairs! Tomorrow we necessarily will meet — at 14-00 THERE. Prepare: we will not get out of bed till the night! I WILL rain kisses! ZALASKAJU! And so will be ALWAYS and ETERNALLY!!! |
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© Rosedkin Sergey Nikolaevich, 2001 |
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E-mail: emp-reports@fustercluck.com |
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